Questions: I
am a Muslim convert and have some questions regarding the intimate relationship
between a husband and his wife. I feel a bit shy to ask. However, since
I need the guidance of my new religion on them, I am being bold enough
to ask them. First, I’d like to know if there are any restrictions in sexual
relations between a husband and wife. I have read somewhere that a husband
and a wife must not totally reveal themselves to one another during intercourse.
Is this so? The Qur’an says that a husband and wife should abstain
from going near one another when the wife is having her periods. Does this
mean that no form of sexual intimacy is allowed? Are a husband and wife
allowed to have intercourse in any position they like? Can a husband orally
stimulate the sexual organs of his wife and vice versa? I would also like
to know if a husband is experiencing a lack of sexual urge, can he read
or see pornographic material to be ‘turned on’ so to speak? Here of course
the reason is not to get pleasure from such material but to use it for
a genuine purpose.
Answers: As
far as sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is concerned, the Shari‘ah
prohibits two things:
1. Intercourse during menses.
2. Anal intercourse.
These restrictions are mentioned in
the following verse of the Qur’an:
They ask you concerning women’s courses. Tell them: They
are an impurity. So keep away from women in their courses, and do not approach
them until they are clean. And when they have purified themselves, approach
them in the manner the Almighty has directed you [through your instincts]*
-- for Allah loves those who constantly repent and keep themselves clean.
(2:222)
This means that, barring these two restrictions,
everything else has been left to the taste and inclination of the couple.
The freedom they have is very aptly expressed in the following verse:
Your wives are as a cultivated land to you. So come to
your cultivated land in whatever manner you want to and extend forward
for yourself, and keep fearing Allah, and you should know that you are
to meet Him [one day], and give glad tidings to the believers. (2:223)
The portion of the verse: ‘So come to
your cultivated land in whatever manner you want to’ refers to the liberty
and freedom with which a person is allowed to come close to his wife. It
is similar to how a farmer approaches his land. One aspect of the husband
and wife relationship is that while fulfilling many other needs, it is
also a means of satisfying the sexual urge. If this urge is satisfied between
them, it secures their modesty and curbs sexual anarchy. However, if this
urge is not quenched between the two, it might lead to grave deviations.
It is because this relationship shields a husband and wife from any deviations
that a husband and wife are called each other’s robes:
They [your wives] are [like] a robe for you and you [like]
a robe for them. (2:187)
One can construe in the light of what
has been said above that Islam has neither imposed any restriction on the
position or posture for sexual intimacy nor explicitly stopped the couple
from orally stimulating the sexual organs. However, a person must always
bear in mind that Islam is a religion that stands for purification and
cleanliness – both physical and spiritual. A person’s own nature, if it
is not perverted, guides him to be selective and refined in exercising
this discretion. He may have the liberty to do anything in this regard,
but he should always remember that the spirit and essence of this liberty
dictate that he should not become an animal. Consequently, cunnilingus
and fellatio may not be prohibited by the Shari‘ah but they seem
to be against the norms of a refined taste ingrained in human nature that
has not been perverted.
As far as not totally revealing one’s
self before one’s spouse is concerned, the following Hadith seems
to be its basis:
When you approach your wives [for sexual intimacy], you
[and they] should not be totally naked as donkeys. (Ibn Majah, Kitabu’l-Nikah)
The Hadith has been classified
as weak by authorities like Abu Hatim, Ahmad Ibn Hanbal and Nasa‘i**,
and it also seems to impose a restriction that the Qur’an seems
to negate.
During menses, only sexual intercourse
is forbidden as is evident from 2:222 quoted above. Other forms of sexual
intimacy are allowed. Anas Ibn Malik reports in the Sahih of
Imam Muslim:
Amongst the Jews, when a woman menstruated, they did
not dine with her nor did they live with her in their houses. So the companions
of the Prophet asked him and Allah revealed ... (See 2:222 above). The
Prophet then said: You can do everything except having intercourse with
her. (Kitabu’l Hayd)
In reply to your last question, I would
say that in Islam the purity and rectitude of both the means and objective
of an enterprise are essential. Achieving a ‘genuine’ objective through
‘non-genuine’ means should be avoided. Acquiring sexual urge through means
which pollute and adulterate the mind and body can cause more harm than
benefit. Viewing or reading pornographic material can also damage your
relationship with your wife and lead to many other undesirable activities.
So I would advise you to consult a doctor if you are experiencing a lack
of sexual urge.
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