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| Question: I am an American born Muslimah
who has been married for four years to an Arab. During this time, I have
given all I can to this marriage only not to have him reciprocating even
a little. I can honestly say I have NOT grown one gram (emotionally, financially
or spiritually); as a matter of fact I think I’m worse off. There is NO
WAY I can spend the rest of my life with him. I don’t believe he is a bad
person, but he’s just not the one for me. As much as I’d hate to admit
failure, I have to. I made a mistake and think that the only answer is
dissolution of this marriage. We met through the personnel of an Islamic
magazine, so there was no real ‘getting to know you’ period. At that time
he was working outside the US, I was here in the States. After about nine
months of talking and writing weekly (as well as sending an in depth questionnaire
(which I later realised he didn’t completely understand), I went to his
home country to meet him and his family. And we were married two weeks
later even though my instincts were not completely at ease. But I’d come
so far; how could I have gone back home and admit my folly? Soon it became
evident to him that I could not live the cooped up life in the vastly
different Arabian Peninsula. We’d planned that we should move back to the
States. After a few months we came here. He had no real skills to secure
any well-paid job, and in fact has worked in retail ever since, never making
enough so that I would not have to work also. Well after a year and a half
of marriage I got pregnant unexpectedly and he was devastated! I was shocked!
I figured a good Muslim would be thrilled. In my mind, a good and decent
man would have made whatever sacrifices that were necessary to help me
be comfortable and carefree during that time. He basically ignored my pregnancy
until he couldn’t anymore: about 8 1/2 months! And it was also at that
point, on our second anniversary that it became painfully clear that there
was no way we could remain together for eternity. He was never supportive
of how or what I felt. Although I asked repeatedly, he would never read
about pregnancy or talk to the other few Muslims men he knew. I don’t believe
he told his family about it until they heard her cry once and he has never
sent pictures to them even though I have hundreds! Because he came here
the easy way, and because I knew the ins and outs of maintaining a household
having lived alone for the previous four years I did everything with the
expectation that in 12-18 months or so he’d be adept enough to take care
of most of it. But now four years later, I’m still doing everything: paying
the bills, doing the shopping, cleaning, caring for our daughter, maintaining
the car, making money ... everything!! I have asked him over and over to
at least take over some of these responsibilities, particularly the management
of the money because I’m not good at it (I can be impulsive), and it would
more evenly distribute the weight. Out of 46 months, he’s done it at most
five times and never for a complete month cycle. I even made him a spreadsheet
with the expense, date, amounts, last mailing date, etc. and he just ignores
it. It’s fallen on deaf ears!!! And of course at the end of my 16 hour
day, he thinks I should be happy and more than willing to get intimate!!!
On the occasions when we do, I usually have to fantasise about another
man (no one I know) to endure it. Though we have discussed it over and
over. He REFUSES to take responsibility for the things he needs to ? Being
the leader of the household, he is incapable of making the simplest of
decisions like finding a new apartment or finding a more profitable job.
Speaking of which he has never made a real concerted effort to find better
or part-time employment to ease the stress on me and our financial situation.
But every month, no matter how stretched our budget is, we send his mother
her monthly stipend--a couple of times I have had to borrow it from my
mom!!!) He won’t even go to bed timely or set the alarm clock to wake himself
up for work. We have no savings. The $2000 we got back from our income
taxes is supposed to go toward bringing his mother and nephew here for
a visit this summer. He still owes me my mahr. He has not made any
attempts to take classes to make himself more marketable in the job arena.
He has not made any attempts to help out more around the house. He refuses
to cook or pick up even on his day off. He usually sleeps till noon; then
he may go to the mall or somewhere else just as useless for five hrs instead
of looking for a job. We have only one car and since I work furthest away,
I normally have the car. But I drop him off to work at least four days
per week and pick him up every day…even at night….sleeping baby in tow…rain,
sleet, snow. That’s his excuse, but in our city the bus, subway, and light
rail can take you everywhere. He sure gets to the mall or downtown easily
enough on it? He doesn’t believe a woman can have her own mind (ideas,
opinions and dreams.) Without those what am I? I want to travel, expand
my mind and horizons while he seems happy to be stagnant. He shows no interests
in what is happening to me at anytime and is so out of touch with me personally.
He is not my best friend or confidante and has never tried to be. My manager
at work is more in tune to how I feel…illness, sadness, and elation…than
he is? He never plans or initiates activities (like bowling or a day trip)
for us or willingly participates in the ones I plan. I have to shame him
into doing things, even going to the Eid prayer. He takes no interest or
joys in his child’s new endeavours. Saturday and Sunday are my days off,
but my daughter is with me every moment. I love her dearly but sometimes
I want a break too; do I get it? No. Have I begged for it? Oh, too many
times to mention. More importantly, he doesn’t encourage me to pray or
read or grow in Islam. But he wants my head completely covered at all times.
Now to my husband’s credit, since you are only hearing one side of the story: He is basically very kindred, has always kept a job, and despite his original intentions I believe he did love me (and our child); he has never ever raised his hand up to hit me even though I do often speak to him in an extremely disrespectful manner, which I know will in no way endear him to me. And I get so angry when we keep running in the same circles that I explode. He has not lived up to his responsibilities; thus I have two kids instead of a partner and a child. I’m not his mother and don’t want to be. I know a lot of what I’ve said points to me and I do take the blame for half our failings, but I don’t want my little girl to grow up thinking that being a Muslim woman means that you are oppressed or are supposed to be unhappy with your lot in life and never try to improve. While I know you can’t have everything in life your way, one must indeed make it livable. I have asked him several times to come with me to a talk to an Imam but he has always refused. The question is that even though I have decided to seek divorce, do you think there is any way out of this hopeless and hapless situation? Answer: I feel very sad after reading the ordeal that you are facing. However, I have a last ditch suggestion which may be very difficult for you, but there is a slight chance that it might improve matters. Besides praying very hard to Allah, try to become a model wife for at least one month. In fact, given your condition, you might have to pretend and act (and maybe over act) for this. Do not show the slightest reaction to any of your husband’s bad habits. On the contrary, treat him as if he is the best husband in the world. Encourage him, laud all his good habits even if he does not have much of them. Tell him that you love him very much and that you pray that no troubles come his way. Assure him that if he does not feel like doing a job, he should rest TOTALLY and that you will take over (this is the hardest part but may work; you are already doing it!). Also think of other ways and means to please him to the utmost. Cook his favourite food. Take him out for a dinner: Give him a present. In short, do all you can to bring out your moral superiority and pray to Allah that this might awaken your husband’s conscience. This is a bit of psychological treatment which has the potential of working with such husbands. Who knows, it might work in your case. May Allah set right your spouse for you and that you live as a very happy family. |