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The poise and balance of a society
heavily depends on the poise and balance of the attitudes and tendencies
of its people. Whenever human attitudes cross their natural limits disorder
and discord result. In particular, the stability of a society is threatened
with dire consequences if people vested with political or moral authority
misuse this sacred trust of Allah. A despotic ruler often faces popular
revolt; a tyrannical husband soon encounters a defiant wife; oppressive
parents inevitably groom rebellious children. It is necessary to curb this
tendency of power to corrupt in order to build a healthy and prosperous
society.
The ongoing debate on the extent of
authority of parents over their children's choice to marry is one such
case in point. As always, two distinct opinions have emerged. One of them
is that a man or a woman is totally free in making his or her decision
about the choice of partner and has the right to overrule the opinion of
the parents or the guardian. The second is that the opinion of the parents
is in all cases binding and must necessarily be kept in consideration.
Though a particular case has initiated this debate, we believe that perhaps
it would be more fruitful to view the whole matter in principle in the
light of the guidance provided by the Qur’an and Sunnah and
by the established principles of reason and intellect.
A word here about the nature of divine
guidance seems appropriate. The basic aim of this guidance is to reveal
to mankind the ariston metron or the golden mean. This golden mean is the
summit of balance and the prime of poise in all the affairs of life. It
is evident from the nature of Qur’anic guidance that for most matters
man's intellect is enough to show him the way. However, this intellect
often falters in maintaining a balance. Extremes engender extremes and
reactions originate reactions unless, of course, the lighthouse of revelation
guides the armada of reason.
We shall now attempt to explain the
viewpoint of Islam on the issue under consideration. In order to do so,
it is necessary to understand two basic principles it has established in
this regard. Firstly, it regards the institution of family as the basis
of its social order. Secondly, it gives great importance to freedom in
decision making by the man and woman who intend to marry. It is its intense
desire that the institution of family and the freedom of choice in marriage
be given utmost consideration and only rare circumstances should allow
an exception to these principles. Both of them need some elaboration.
Islam regards the institution of family
as the basic unit of a society and stresses that it is the need of every
individual if his life is viewed as a whole. Man is basically a weak and
an insecure being. He has spiritual as well as material needs. Just as
he needs to develop a strong relationship with the Almighty to fulfil his
spiritual needs, he also needs to develop a strong relationship with his
fellow human beings to fulfil his material needs. Islam says that a man
and a woman must come together in a permanent bond of wedlock to create
a family to fulfil these material needs which may be physical, emotional
and psychological. A man and a woman taken separately, are incomplete in
their existence. Both need each other to fill the voids of their personalities.
There are some responsibilities which only a man can fulfil and others
which only a woman can. Furthermore, since these requirements are everlasting,
any temporary relationship between a man and a woman can never be truly
fruitful. The Qur’an says that marriage is a means of solace and
comfort for a man and a woman:
And among His signs is that He created for you
mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them
and He has planted love and kindness between you. (30:21)
Besides providing peace and tranquillity
to the spouses, the role a family set up plays in fulfilling the needs
of the individual born to a family is apparent to every keen eye. He passes
the first half of his life in transforming from a child to a mature young
man and the second half in transforming from a mature young man to an old
man. In the greater part of the first period, he needs the love and affection
of his parents. As an infant ‘ewling and puking in the nurse’s arms’, his
meek and helpless existence need the love and affection of a mother and
a father. It is only proper parental care which makes him feel secure and
confident. Since parents are the first seat of learning, the base they
build in moulding his character and in instructing him plays a vital role
in the later part of his life.*
Grandparents also have an all important
role to play: They imbue their grandchildren with the priceless wealth
of wisdom and experience which helps them in traversing the rugged terrain
of life. Brothers and sisters also make important contributions in developing
his personality. The older ones are actually an extension of the parental
role while the younger ones create in him an initial awareness of parenthood.
Once a person reaches a mature age, certain other needs arise in him which
must be fulfilled. It is at this stage that a man and a woman need each
other to complement and complete one another. This relationship is the
only means of providing emotional fulfilment and satisfaction to the spouses,
which is the primary need that brings them together and they now also assume
the role of the progenitors of a new family to start the cycle once again.
In the second phase of life, an individual advances from the exuberant
years of youth to enter the folds of old age. It is now that he needs the
love and protection of his grown up children. In this state of ‘second
childishness and mere oblivion’, which is ‘sans teeth, sans eyes, sans
taste, sans everything’, it is only the set up of a family which can properly
support him. Without such a support, old age is the worst form of affliction.
No one else except the children have a strong attachment to their parents.
It is this attachment which urges them to return in some form the support
and affection they had once received from their parents.
Besides these primary relationships,
the secondary relationships like maternal aunts and uncles and paternal
aunts, cousin brothers and cousin sisters, nieces and nephews perform in
a wider perspective the same function as the primary ones. The components
of a family constitute a small community which if administered properly
by the head of the family makes the basic unit of a society healthy.
The Encyclopaedia of Social Sciences
while explaining the advantages of the set up of a family says:
The nature and development of the family have
deep roots in the physiological conditions of human mating, reproduction
and education. The exceptional prolongation of infancy as a state of helplessness
and immaturity is one of the most instinctive features of mankind generally.
Through it the role of the parents as well as of other relatives in nourishing,
protecting and educating offspring is of the utmost importance for the
individual and for society. However fixed the inherited traits and gifts
of the individual may be, the child's necessary social equipment is doubtless
acquired only through a circumstantial and long continued process of artificial
training and adaptation. The family has been the chief bearer and medium
of this process, which also vitalises the relations between the parents
and in the wider sense between all the members of a blood relationship,
for they are connected from generation to generation by the awareness of
this social tradition. (vol 6, p 68)
The western world, over the last fifty
years, however seems lost and confused on the importance of the institution
of family. The feminist movement which began two centuries ago is now culminating
in the disruption of this age old institution. The western world is bemoaning
the loss of family values but perhaps it is just too late.
Islam on the other hand, as mentioned
earlier, has always insisted that the institution of family is the basic
building block of the society and it is in the interest of humanity to
adhere to a family oriented society. Consequently, it has given a number
of directives for the protection and preservation of the family. We shall
mention some of these:
It says that a man and woman
must come together in a permanent bond of marriage and must not indulge
in extra-marital relationships since they dismember the institution of
family. It prescribes severe punishments for people who are guilty of adultery
and ostracises them from the society.
It lays down a whole code of social
etiquette and communal conduct to safeguard and protect chastity and modesty
which themselves are necessary for the well-being of a family set up.
It regards the husband as head of the family because
his temperament and disposition are more suited for this task.
It is of the view that all differences
of opinion between the husband and wife should generally be resolved in
an atmosphere of mutual trust and confidence. However, if a situation of
anarchy and disorder arises which threatens to disrupt the whole family
set-up, the wife must adopt an attitude of submission and adjustment.
It invests the husband with certain
powers to deal with a wife who adopts a rebellious attitude with him and
stands up against his authority, just as an affectionate mother has the
authority to admonish her children to correct them.
It holds the parents responsible for
the proper upbringing of their children.
It urges the children to be very kind
and compassionate to their parents, especially in old age.
It wants the mothers to regard the
house as the centre of their activities (which of course does not mean
that they cannot go out) so that they can give due attention to the future
generations and are able to provide their husbands with solace and comfort.
It says that if ever a divorce is
to end a family set up, a certain prescribed procedure should be followed
in letter and spirit since this procedure ensures that the dissolution
of marriage passes through an interim phase in which the decision has ample
time to be reconsidered.
It maintains that if a divorced woman
intends to start a new family, her former husband or his relatives must
in no way obstruct her.
Among these directives also comes the
Prophet's hadith the interpretation of which has become the centre of controversy
these days:
A Nikah does not solemnise unless it takes place
through the guardian and if someone does not have a guardian the ruler
of the Muslims is his guardian. (Tirmizi Kitab-un- nikah)
This hadith is actually a corollary of
the social directives of Islam pertaining to the institution of family
and is based on great wisdom. Since the preservation and protection of
the family set up is of paramount importance to Islam, it is but natural
that each marriage take place through the consent of the parents who are
the foremost guardians. It is obvious that a marriage solemnised through
the consent of the parents shields and shelters the newly formed family.
For reasons stated earlier, it is essential that the newly formed family
be part of another larger family.
However, as is evident from the hadi$th
also, there can always be an exception to this general principle. If a
man and a woman feel that the rejection on the part of the parents has
no sound reasoning behind it or that the parents, owing to some reason,
are not appreciating the grounds of this union, they have all the right
to take this matter to the courts of justice. It is now up to the court
to analyse and evaluate the whole affair. If it is satisfied with the stance
of the man and woman, it can give a green signal to them. In this case,
as is apparent from the hadi$th, the state shall be considered the guardian
of the couple. On the other hand, if the court is of the view that the
stand of the parents is valid, it can stop the concerned parties from engaging
in wedlock. Similarly, if a case is brought before the judicial forums
in which the marriage has taken place without the consent of the parents,
it is up to the court to decide the fate of such a liaison. If it is not
satisfied with the grounds of this union, it can order for their separation
and if it is satisfied, it can endorse the decision taken by the couple.
This is the law as far as this issue
is concerned. However, it is evident that laws mostly cater for extreme
situations as their nature is preventive not reformatory. In other words,
they prevent the spreading of anarchy and disorder in a society but have
no role in positively building a society on a certain ideology. It is the
utmost goal of Islam to build a society in which traditions are so deeply
rooted that various affairs are settled and resolved within the social
structure without taking them to the courts. Family affairs, if taken to
the courts, become the talk of the town and severely damage the standing
and reputation of the parties involved. Consequently, it is in the interest
of the parties involved to settle their differences mutually by giving
due importance to the ultimate goal of protecting the institution of family.
The society which, we believe, Islam
wants to built is one in which the relationship between parents and children
is based on such norms and values as protect the family set up. In such
a society, if an individual has to select a life partner for himself or
herself, he or she must make the utmost effort to convince the parents.
In differences of opinion it seems proper that the individual accommodate
the opinion of the parents as far as possible, and only in extraordinary
circumstances should he persist in his decision. An individual no doubt
has total freedom in decision making in this regard but he should give
top priority to the protection of the institution of family. This freedom
is so absolute that Islam disapproves of parents who forcibly marry their
sons and daughters and makes it clear that it is the concerned man and
woman who have the final say in this regard:
A girl once came to ‘A’isha and said ‘My father
has married me to his nephew to alleviate his poverty through me. I dislike
him.’ ‘A’isha replied ‘Wait here until the Prophet comes.’ The Prophet
arrived shortly and she informed him of the matter. At this, the Prophet
sent for her father. When he arrived the Prophet gave the girl the choice
to do whatever she liked. She said: ‘I accept my father's decision. I only
wanted to know whether a girl has authority in this regard or not’. (Nisai,
Kitab-un-nikah)
If in a society envisaged by Islam it
is important that an individual give due regard to the opinion of the parents
in marriage, it is even more important that the parents be extra cautious
in this matter since they hold moral authority over their children. Misuse
and abuse of such authority can produce grave consequences. Parents must
give deep consideration to the inclinations and tendencies of their children
in deciding their future in an affair as delicate as marriage. They should
understand that once their children become mentally mature they must not
impose their ideas on them. When an individual develops into a grown up
person he deserves freedom of expression and freedom of action within certain
limits. This actually develops and strengthens his personality. The vivacity
of youth and the vigour of adolescence demand a certain amount of independence,
which if curtailed, only turns a dull child into a dunce and an intelligent
one into a ruffian. Adult children must be handled very tactfully. They
must be moulded and convinced, encouraged and exhorted. Parents must realise
that an adult child learns a lot through experience and exposure. The blunders
he will commit today make him wise tomorrow. Parents who forgive and forgo
win respect and regard and those who make it a point to punish the children
on every mistake committed make no positive impression in their minds.
Important decisions must always be discussed with children to breed confidence
and conviction in them. A decision as crucial as marriage is no exception.
If parents have a different view from their son’s or daughter’s, they must
handle the situation very carefully. They must calmly assess the situation,
and must also make a true evaluation of the grounds of such a proposition.
They must also estimate how far they can insist before the matter enters
the zone of no return. It is advisable that only in extreme circumstances
should they deprive the couple of their guardianship. They must also keep
in consideration that if they intend to back out from this position, the
concerned man and woman have all the right to present their case before
the court to finally decide the matter. This of course would either unite
the two under the guardianship of the state or endorse the view of the
parents, in which case the two must submit to the verdict of the court.
O
This we believe is the stance of Islam
on this issue. We hope that the pundits of the society will find some time
to consider this matter in the light of what has been said above.
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