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The poise and balance of a society
heavily depends on the poise and balance of the attitudes and tendencies
of its people. Whenever human attitudes cross their natural limits disorder
and discord result. In particular, the stability of a society is threatened
with dire consequences if people vested with political or moral authority
misuse this sacred trust of Allah. A despotic ruler often faces popular
revolt; a tyrannical husband soon encounters a defiant wife; oppressive
parents inevitably groom rebellious children. It is necessary to curb this
tendency of power to corrupt in order to build a healthy and prosperous
society.
The ongoing debate on the extent
of authority of parents over their children's choice to marry is one such
case in point. As always, two distinct opinions have emerged. One of them
is that a man or a woman is totally free in making his or her decision
about the choice of partner and has the right to overrule the opinion of
the parents or the guardian. The second is that the opinion of the parents
is in all cases binding and must necessarily be kept in consideration.
Though a particular case has initiated this debate, we believe that perhaps
it would be more fruitful to view the whole matter in principle in the
light of the guidance provided by the Qur’an and Sunnah and
by the established principles of reason and intellect.
A word here about the nature
of divine guidance seems appropriate. The basic aim of this guidance is
to reveal to mankind the ariston metron or the golden mean. This golden
mean is the summit of balance and the prime of poise in all the affairs
of life. It is evident from the nature of Qur’anic guidance that
for most matters man's intellect is enough to show him the way. However,
this intellect often falters in maintaining a balance. Extremes engender
extremes and reactions originate reactions unless, of course, the lighthouse
of revelation guides the armada of reason.
We shall now attempt to explain
the viewpoint of Islam on the issue under consideration. In order to do
so, it is necessary to understand two basic principles it has established
in this regard. Firstly, it regards the institution of family as the basis
of its social order. Secondly, it gives great importance to freedom in
decision making by the man and woman who intend to marry. It is its intense
desire that the institution of family and the freedom of choice in marriage
be given utmost consideration and only rare circumstances should allow
an exception to these principles. Both of them need some elaboration.
Islam regards the institution
of family as the basic unit of a society and stresses that it is the need
of every individual if his life is viewed as a whole. Man is basically
a weak and an insecure being. He has spiritual as well as material needs.
Just as he needs to develop a strong relationship with the Almighty to
fulfil his spiritual needs, he also needs to develop a strong relationship
with his fellow human beings to fulfil his material needs. Islam says that
a man and a woman must come together in a permanent
bond of wedlock to
create a family to fulfil these material needs which may be physical, emotional
and psychological. A man and a woman taken separately, are incomplete in
their existence. Both need each other to fill the voids of their personalities.
There are some responsibilities which only a man can fulfil and others
which only a woman can. Furthermore, since these requirements are everlasting,
any temporary relationship between a man and a woman can never be truly
fruitful. The Qur’an says that marriage is a means of solace and
comfort for a man and a woman:
And among His signs is that He created for you
mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them
and He has planted love and kindness between you. (30:21)
Besides providing peace and tranquillity
to the spouses, the role a family set up plays in fulfilling the needs
of the individual born to a family is apparent to every keen eye. He passes
the first half of his life in transforming from a child to a mature young
man and the second half in transforming from a mature young man to an old
man. In the greater part of the first period, he needs the love and affection
of his parents. As an infant ‘ewling and puking in the nurse’s arms’, his
meek and helpless existence need the love and affection of a mother and
a father. It is only proper parental care which makes him feel secure and
confident. Since parents are the first seat of learning, the base they
build in moulding his character and in instructing him plays a vital role
in the later part of his life.*
Grandparents also have an all
important role to play: They imbue their grandchildren with the priceless
wealth of wisdom and experience which helps them in traversing the rugged
terrain of life. Brothers and sisters also make important contributions
in developing his personality. The older ones are actually an extension
of the parental role while the younger ones create in him an initial awareness
of parenthood. Once a person reaches a mature age, certain other needs
arise in him which must be fulfilled. It is at this stage that a man and
a woman need each other to complement and complete one another. This relationship
is the only means of providing emotional fulfilment and satisfaction to
the spouses, which is the primary need that brings them together and they
now also assume the role of the progenitors of a new family to start the
cycle once again. In the second phase of life, an individual advances from
the exuberant years of youth to enter the folds of old age. It is now that
he needs the love and protection of his grown up children. In this state
of ‘second childishness and mere oblivion’, which is ‘sans teeth, sans
eyes, sans taste, sans everything’, it is only the set up of a family which
can properly support him. Without such a support, old age is the worst
form of affliction. No one else except the children have a strong attachment
to their parents. It is this attachment which urges them to return in some
form the support and affection they had once received from their parents.
Besides these primary relationships,
the secondary relationships like maternal aunts and uncles and paternal
aunts, cousin brothers and cousin sisters, nieces and nephews perform in
a wider perspective the same function as the primary ones. The components
of a family constitute a small community which if administered properly
by the head of the family makes the basic unit of a society healthy.
The Encyclopaedia of Social
Sciences while explaining the advantages of the set up of a family says:
The nature
and development of the family have
deep roots in the physiological conditions of human mating, reproduction
and education. The exceptional prolongation of infancy as a state of helplessness
and immaturity is one of the most instinctive features of mankind generally.
Through it the role of the parents as well as of other relatives in nourishing,
protecting and educating offspring is of the utmost importance for the
individual and for society. However fixed the inherited traits and gifts
of the individual may be, the child's necessary social equipment is doubtless
acquired only through a circumstantial and long continued process of artificial
training and adaptation. The family has been the chief bearer and medium
of this process, which also vitalises the relations between the parents
and in the wider sense between all the members of a blood relationship,
for they are connected from generation to generation by the awareness of
this social tradition. (vol 6, p 68)
The western world, over the last
fifty years, however seems lost and confused on the importance of the institution
of family. The feminist movement which began two centuries ago is now culminating
in the disruption of this age old institution. The western world is bemoaning
the loss of family values but perhaps it is just too late.
Islam on the other hand, as
mentioned earlier, has always insisted that the institution of family is
the basic building block of the society and it is in the interest of humanity
to adhere to a family oriented society. Consequently, it has given a number
of directives for the protection and preservation of the family. We shall
mention some of these:
It says that a man and woman
must come together in a permanent bond of marriage and must not indulge
in extra-marital relationships since they dismember the institution of
family. It prescribes severe punishments for people who are guilty of adultery
and ostracises them from the society.
It lays down a whole code of
social etiquette and communal conduct to safeguard and protect chastity
and modesty which themselves are necessary for the well-being of a family
set up.
It regards the husband as head
of the family because his temperament and disposition are more suited for
this task.
It is of the view that all differences
of opinion between the husband and wife should generally be resolved in
an atmosphere of mutual trust and confidence. However, if a situation of
anarchy and disorder arises which threatens to disrupt the whole family
set-up, the wife must adopt an attitude of submission and adjustment.
It invests the husband with
certain powers to deal with a wife who adopts a rebellious attitude with
him and stands up against his authority, just as an affectionate mother
has the authority to admonish her children to correct them.
It holds the parents responsible
for the proper upbringing of their children.
It urges the children to be
very kind and compassionate to their parents, especially in old age.
It wants the mothers to regard
the house as the centre of their activities (which of course does not mean
that they cannot go out) so that they can give due attention to the future
generations and are able to provide their husbands with solace and comfort.
It says that if ever a divorce
is to end a family set up, a certain prescribed procedure should be followed
in letter and spirit since this procedure ensures that the dissolution
of marriage passes through an interim phase in which the decision has ample
time to be reconsidered.
It maintains that if a divorced
woman intends to start a new family, her former husband or his relatives
must in no way obstruct her.
Among these directives also
comes the Prophet's hadith the interpretation of which has become the centre
of controversy these days:
A Nikah does not solemnise unless it takes place
through the guardian and if someone does not have a guardian the ruler
of the Muslims is his guardian. (Tirmidhi, Kitab-al- Nikah)
This Hadith is actually a corollary
of the social directives of Islam pertaining to the institution of family
and is based on great wisdom. Since the preservation and protection of
the family set up is of paramount importance to Islam, it is but natural
that each marriage take place through the consent of the parents who are
the foremost guardians. It is obvious that a marriage solemnised through
the consent of the parents shields and shelters the newly formed family.
For reasons stated earlier, it is essential that the newly formed family
be part of another larger family.
However, as is evident from
the Hadith also, there can always be an exception to this general principle.
If a man and a woman feel that the rejection on the part of the parents
has no sound reasoning behind it or that the parents, owing to some reason,
are not appreciating the grounds of this union, they have all the right
to take this matter to the courts of justice. It is now up to the court
to analyse and evaluate the whole affair. If it is satisfied with the stance
of the man and woman, it can give a green signal to them. In this case,
as is apparent from the hadith, the state shall be considered the guardian
of the couple. On the other hand, if the court is of the view that the
stand of the parents is valid, it can stop the concerned parties from engaging
in wedlock. Similarly, if a case is brought before the judicial forums
in which the marriage has taken place without the consent of the parents,
it is up to the court to decide the fate of such a liaison. If it is not
satisfied with the grounds of this union, it can order for their separation
and if it is satisfied, it can endorse the decision taken by the couple.
This is the law as far as this
issue is concerned. However, it is evident that laws mostly cater for extreme
situations as their nature is preventive not reformatory. In other words,
they prevent the spreading of anarchy and disorder in a society but have
no role in positively building a society on a certain ideology. It is the
utmost goal of Islam to build a society in which traditions are so deeply
rooted that various affairs are settled and resolved within the social
structure without taking them to the courts. Family affairs, if taken to
the courts, become the talk of the town and severely damage the standing
and reputation of the parties involved. Consequently, it is in the interest
of the parties involved to settle their differences mutually by giving
due importance to the ultimate goal of protecting the institution of family.
The society which, we believe,
Islam wants to built is one in which the relationship between parents and
children is based on such norms and values as protect the family set up.
In such a society, if an individual has to select a life partner for himself
or herself, he or she must make the utmost effort
to convince the parents.
In differences of opinion it seems proper that the individual accommodate
the opinion of the parents as far as possible, and only in extraordinary
circumstances should he/she persist in his/her decision. An individual
no doubt has total freedom in decision making in this regard but he/she
should give top priority to the protection of the institution of family.
This freedom is so absolute that Islam disapproves of parents who forcibly
marry their sons and daughters and makes it clear that it is the concerned
man and woman who have the final say in this regard:
A girl once came to ‘A’ishah (raa) and said ‘My
father has married me to his nephew to alleviate his poverty through me.
I dislike him.’ ‘A’ishah (raa) replied ‘Wait here until the Prophet
(sws) comes.’ The Prophet (sws) arrived shortly and she informed him of
the matter. At this, the Prophet (sws) sent for her father. When he arrived
the Prophet (sws) gave the girl the choice to do whatever she liked. She
said: ‘I accept my father's decision. I only wanted to know whether a girl
has authority in this regard or not’. (Nisa’i, Kitab-al-Nikah)
If in a society envisaged by Islam
it is important that an individual give due regard to the opinion of the
parents in marriage, it is even more important that the parents be extra
cautious in this matter since they hold moral authority over their children.
Misuse and abuse of such authority can produce grave consequences. Parents
must give deep consideration to the inclinations and tendencies of their
children in deciding their future in an affair as delicate as marriage.
They should understand that once their children become mentally mature
they must not impose their ideas on them. When an individual develops into
a grown up person he deserves freedom of expression and freedom of action
within certain limits. This actually develops and strengthens his personality.
The vivacity of youth and the vigour of adolescence demand a certain amount
of independence, which if curtailed, only turns a dull child into a dunce
and an intelligent one into a ruffian. Adult children must be handled very
tactfully. They must be moulded and convinced, encouraged and exhorted.
Parents must realise that an adult child learns a lot through experience
and exposure. The blunders he/she will commit today make him/her wise tomorrow.
Parents who forgive and forgo win respect and regard and those who make
it a point to punish the children on every mistake committed make no positive
impression in their minds. Important decisions must always be discussed
with children to breed confidence and conviction in them. A decision as
crucial as marriage is no exception. If parents have a different view from
their son’s or daughter’s, they must handle the situation very carefully.
They must calmly assess the situation, and must also make a true evaluation
of the grounds of such a proposition. They must also estimate how far they
can insist before the matter enters the zone of no return. It is advisable
that only in extreme circumstances should they deprive the couple of their
guardianship. They must also keep in consideration that if they intend
to back out from this position, the concerned man and woman have all the
right to present their case before the court to finally decide the matter.
This of course would either unite the two under the guardianship of the
state or endorse the view of the parents, in which case the two must submit
to the verdict of the court.
O
This we believe is the stance of Islam on this issue. We
hope that the pundits of the society will find some time to consider this
matter in the light of what has been said above. |